apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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