When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
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