i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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