You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Randomize