It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
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