those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
