I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Dignity is for republicans.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
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