I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Randomize
