headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
