this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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