Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
