My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
His hands were made for my vagina.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
