I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
