He is an equal opportunity slut.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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