I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
