He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
