I like to think it a success when the cops are called
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
