I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
