I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
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