remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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