Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
It's never too late to be topless.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
