3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
