We're facebook friends in real life
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
She needs sedatives and a leash
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
