I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Randomize
