I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
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