One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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