i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
