ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize
