There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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