You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
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