I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
