I think I am morally bankrupt
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
So squirting runs in the family.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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