I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Randomize
