Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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