i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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