Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
