pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
