I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
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