I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Why is your signature on my underwear?
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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