He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
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