NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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