I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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