The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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