I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
