Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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