glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Randomize
