omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
