I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Randomize