i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
