I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
