I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
