Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
dude she licked ball and has every Are you afraid of the dark episode on dvd
lock that shit down
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Randomize
