You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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