He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
