did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
the condom got lost in my hair
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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