I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
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