Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Randomize