Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Randomize
