I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
He passed out mid-signature
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize