Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize