So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
