i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
